Of late a question has been plaguing me. It started welling up inside of me a couple weeks ago. Wordless then, just a feeling. An observation, a suspicion, an uncertainty. Finally, in a room in a house with a thatched roof, during a conversation, I realised it was about good and evil.
Sounds so bloody trite I can barely stand it. Good and evil? I mean, is this episode of Game of Thrones? Well, perhaps. Because it feels like there’s this undercurrent guiding, well, everything, at least at foundational or profound levels and increasingly I’ve felt its presence more and more, right up to where it’s begun lapping at the shores of the obvious, of what’s supposed to be just a day to day existence.
But while obvious in its presence, still obscure in its path, in its motives and manifestations. Perhaps it’s the conflict in every person, the call demanding your choice, your commitment, the test and your strength. The task and the worthiness. Perhaps it’s an instinctual warning. Perhaps it’s what called me back to Christianity; a sudden jolt into Catholicism as rapid and unexpected as a racing heart during a cold plunge in the icy Atlantic Cape Town ocean.
I guess the tricky part is knowing how many heinous deeds have been committed by people utterly convinced they were doing good - knowing this - where is the clarity in good intentions? Where is the certainty is purity? Where, or even more fundamentally, what, is the line? In this regard, perhaps the only final sin is stupidity.
There have been several tides bringing me back to this question, and currently one persists, the latest and the largest, bringing the sharp contrast into the forefront of my mind and demanding, unforgivably, unflinchingly; exceptionalism in character.
A couple months ago I was faced by a similar challenge. At the time I wrote “it is interesting and it is beautiful how we cannot extract ourselves from the events of our lives.” That statement shows I had failed, and I now know it to be wrong. The statement renders the speaker inept, stuck, and incapable. It is inaccurate coming from a being equipped with conscious choice. The events of our lives can be as strong as cement up to your ankles. It can be as strong as the weight of the world on your back. We must ask for Atlas to Shrug. We must ask for you to do something well.
We are indeed shaped by all that happens, out in the world and in our souls. We must take on what is good and learn from what is bad to be of the greatest service to humanity and fulfil our potential. Every second is a blessing. Every struggle is a gift.
I think I do know the answer. Again in that wordless way that I first knew the question. I know the answer even if I don’t want to. In purgatory and absolution, when what is left is brave and clean and true.
It is goodness.
“I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too—in a net of good and evil. I think this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners. There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?”
I only recently discovered you Alexandria and am already in awe of what you have accomplished in your short life. It’s fascinating for me - as a Christian - to read your article because it confirms what I saw glimpses of before in you. God is at work in you and through you to accomplish His great purpose. You have been chosen by Him - does that sound strange? This is why you have experienced recent spiritual stirrings.
The truth is we are living in a post-Christian world. Society has rejected the Christian understanding of good and evil and it has left us all morally and ethically bankrupt. Your incredible work that you have pioneered and will still pioneer will be enhanced by an injection of Godly love and care for humanity. As you embark on your spiritual quest I recommend that you explore wider than the Catholic Church - wonderful and inspiring as it is. I suggest you read the writings of CS Lewis - his books are still bestsellers 70 years after publication.
This is one of the things he wrote about your subject matter:
“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of…”